There is a student in our youth group who plays guitar and writes songs. Sometimes he'll come over and have Phil record these songs in our music room. Last night, Phil played me his latest: "Lullaby." The lyrics were variations of "sleep so sweetly," "I'll never leave you alone," and "when it gets dark, I'll protect you."

I giggled as I pictured him giving the burnt CD to his girlfriend, thinking about how I would have eaten that up as a high school girl :). Phil told me, though, that when he asked the student if he was giving it to his girlfriend, the student said that he hadn't really had her in mind when he wrote it. He had been thinking more about his future children. ...this student never knew his dad and has a kind of rough relationship with his mom. How beautiful is that?

I love my job at The Bridge, my actual job in the arts ministry. I love working with adults and the creation process. It is challenging and fulfilling. In the last few months, it has seemed to me that my "call" to youth ministry was fading.

But...it's not.

In the past weeks, God has rebroken my heart for these students. I talked with one beautiful 16 year old who had started cutting herself again, who told me that, "she just felt like she deserved it." I've watched with pride as new students have stepped into positions in the worship team. I've been cried to, laughed with, yelled at, and hugged. I've been reminded of how confusing, and just how much work it is to find out who you are. And I just know that it's God in my heart, filling it with love for them, because I love them so much.

I think part of my frustration with youth is that I can't fix anything. You can't really even tell them anything. You give advice, but they don't take it. You teach them things, but they don't learn much from your teaching. I'm realizing now, though, that some things...you just have to learn yourself. Some pain, you just have to lean into. What's my role, then? Just to be there. And to stay there.