There is a student in our youth group who plays guitar and writes songs. Sometimes he'll come over and have Phil record these songs in our music room. Last night, Phil played me his latest: "Lullaby." The lyrics were variations of "sleep so sweetly," "I'll never leave you alone," and "when it gets dark, I'll protect you."

I giggled as I pictured him giving the burnt CD to his girlfriend, thinking about how I would have eaten that up as a high school girl :). Phil told me, though, that when he asked the student if he was giving it to his girlfriend, the student said that he hadn't really had her in mind when he wrote it. He had been thinking more about his future children. ...this student never knew his dad and has a kind of rough relationship with his mom. How beautiful is that?

I love my job at The Bridge, my actual job in the arts ministry. I love working with adults and the creation process. It is challenging and fulfilling. In the last few months, it has seemed to me that my "call" to youth ministry was fading.

But...it's not.

In the past weeks, God has rebroken my heart for these students. I talked with one beautiful 16 year old who had started cutting herself again, who told me that, "she just felt like she deserved it." I've watched with pride as new students have stepped into positions in the worship team. I've been cried to, laughed with, yelled at, and hugged. I've been reminded of how confusing, and just how much work it is to find out who you are. And I just know that it's God in my heart, filling it with love for them, because I love them so much.

I think part of my frustration with youth is that I can't fix anything. You can't really even tell them anything. You give advice, but they don't take it. You teach them things, but they don't learn much from your teaching. I'm realizing now, though, that some things...you just have to learn yourself. Some pain, you just have to lean into. What's my role, then? Just to be there. And to stay there.

Random Update

Howdy everyone. It has been a while since I've posted in here. Life's good. About a month ago was the ski trip (which I talked about before) and then followed by the next week at the Superstart conference. Some of you family maybe recognize this because Superstart is put on by CIY, Aaron Smith's employer. It was awesome to see my cousin that weekend. He was telling me about the High Schooler conference that is actually held on Anderson University's campus. He just sent me the link to it yesterday... looks like something we might do. It's cool sharing in the ministry of family and how God is crossing our paths so that we can be a part of each other's story of what God is doing. It was really cool to see Aaron in his element. The guy could have a pretty good paying job, have his MBA and all... but he discovered that having the sort of affect that he does in kids lives is far more fulfilling than any thing this world could ever offer. I drop off my rent every month in the business school at Anderson University and on my way out, I ran into one of my old professors. "Now, what are you doing these days?" (the typical question I get from him whenever I run into him...)... I told him that I was still with The Bridge... the next question was, "You making a lot of money?" ... I was quickly reminded of why I was turned off by that place... So much stock in stuff of this world. I've never liked money... It deters us from relying and creates complacency, which is nothing that we are called to be, as ones who are not supposed to be of this world. I believe God can indeed bless through monetary means but I feel that an over-emphasis in money as who we are, our identity, the topic of conversation after not having seen someone for quite sometime is placing it on the pedestal that cries for a more fulfilling object of worship and devotion. Wow... didn't know that this post was going to take this turn. Just don't let your job and money define who you are... okay? k bye.

Love,
Phil